Understanding why children self-harm

Dec 17 / Flourish Foundation


Self-harm is an extremely distressing behaviour for a parent to encounter, especially if you have had no experience with it before. For many fostered and adopted children, it can be used as a way of coping with their overwhelming emotions. 

Even though it is increasingly common in society today, self-harm is still very misunderstood. When adults don’t understand the reasons behind it, it’s easy to respond in ways that unintentionally increase shame, fear, or secrecy. 

By looking beneath the surface, we can begin to understand what young people are really trying to communicate.  

 

Self-harm is a coping strategy, not “attention seeking” 

For some young people, it offers relief from intense emotions that feel impossible to manage. For others, it interrupts emotional numbness and creates a momentary sense of control. 

And for many fostered and adopted children, self-harm is deeply connected to earlier experiences of trauma. When a young person hasn’t learned safe, reliable ways to regulate their emotions, self-harm can feel like the only tool they have. 

Self-harm is a way of communicating inner pain. 

 

Possible reasons young people self-harm 

There are many reasons why a young person might self-harm, and often it’s far more complex than it appears on the surface. What matters most is recognising that the behaviour usually reflects inner distress rather than attention-seeking, and that  

 

understanding the “why” behind it can help adults respond with calm and compassion.  

 

What foster and adoptive parents often struggle with 

Caring for a young person who self-harms can feel frightening and isolating. Many foster parents describe: 

  • fear of doing or saying the wrong thing 

  • guilt that they “should have noticed earlier” 

  • pressure from professionals or family 

  • uncertainty about boundaries, supervision, or safety 

  • anxiety that they’re not equipped to handle it 

 

If this resonates with you… 

If you’re caring for a fostered or adopted young person who self-harms, you are not alone… and you’re not expected to know all the answers. 

Understanding why is the first step in supporting them compassionately. 

If you’d like to explore this topic in a deeper, guided space, there is a dedicated workshop available that looks more closely at: 

  • the links between self-harm, trauma, and attachment 

  • myths and misconceptions 

  • what genuinely helps 

  • and how carers can protect their own wellbeing too 

Get your tickets to When Hurt People Hurt Themselves - Supporting Young People Who Self-Harm with Fi Newood today.  

 

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