You’re navigating trauma and loss alongside brain wiring that’s shaped by early experiences, often while juggling professionals, meetings and your own emotional load. It’s a lot.
In the middle of all that, your assumptions are quietly shaping how you respond every day. Having thoughts like
“They’re just being defiant.”
“She doesn’t care about school.”
“He’s doing this to wind me up.”
“If I were a better parent, this wouldn’t be happening.”
You’re not a bad parent for having these thoughts…you’re human! Our brains are wired to fill in the gaps when we don’t have all the information.
When you’re caring for fostered or adopted children, these assumptions can get in the way of what you actually want…
Connection, trust and emotional safety
Why assumptions are so powerful (and so sneaky)
Assumptions are the stories we tell ourselves about what’s going on:
- Why a child is behaving a certain way
- What they meant by what they said
- How others are judging our parenting
- Who we are as carers and parents
We don’t usually notice telling ourselves these stories. They enter our minds automatically, and they feel true.
But they’re often not, especially with children who have experienced trauma. Their behaviour often communicates something different from what it looks like on the surface.
If we assume we already know what’s going on, we stop communicating and asking questions.
And when we stop communicating, we stop connecting.
Why does this matter so much for fostered and adopted children?
For children who’ve already experienced instability and trauma, everyday moments can feel loaded:
A raised voice might feel like danger.
A change of plan might trigger panic.
When we respond based on our assumptions (“They’re overreacting”, or “They’re trying to control everything”), we can unintentionally:
Escalate the situation
Reinforce their belief that adults aren’t safe
Miss chances to build trust and co-regulation
But when we learn to pause, question our assumptions, and respond differently, we send a very different message:
“I’m trying to understand you. You’re not too much. I’m here.”
That’s where healing relationships grow.
Ready to go a bit deeper?
If any part of this resonated, if you recognised your own thoughts, or your child’s behaviour in what you’ve just read, this workshop was designed with you in mind.
You’ve already taken the first step by noticing that assumptions might be getting in the way.
The next step is learning how to work with them.
Join Diane Sotomey and Flourish Foundation and start turning assumptions into understanding.
Explore our other courses
