When a child keeps lying can be very unsettling for foster and adoptive parents.
It can leave you asking yourself questions like What else aren’t they telling me? Can I trust them? Am I being manipulated? Over time, it can impact trust and create tension in even the most loving homes.
But for many children who have experienced trauma, lying isn’t about them being a bad person or them having poor morals. It’s about survival.
For things to progress smoothly, it is important to understand why children might lie.
For children who’ve experienced trauma, neglect, or unpredictable living situations, it may be safer for them to tell lies.
Telling the truth may have led to punishment, rejection, or even harm. Hiding things, telling adults what they want to hear, or controlling the narrative may have helped them survive difficult situations. After a long time of living like this, it becomes an automatic response, even when they’re no longer in dangerous situations.
Understanding this doesn’t mean dishonesty is okay, but it does change how we respond to lies.
Care-experienced children often live with heightened anxiety about:
• getting into trouble
• disappointing adults
• being rejected or moved again
• not being “good enough”
In that context, the truth can feel risky
.
Some children lie to avoid getting into trouble, some to gain approval, and others because telling the truth feels overwhelming or unsafe. Dishonesty isn’t always a conscious choice; it’s a learned response that kicks in during difficult or stressful times.
While every child is different, a few themes consistently matter:
• Children are more likely to tell the truth when they feel emotionally safe, not interrogated.
• Shame fuels secrecy, and compassion reduces it.
• Clear structure and predictable responses help children feel less anxious about being honest.
Trust grows slowly, especially for children who’ve learned not to rely on adults. Honesty isn’t something we can demand; it’s something that develops alongside safety and consistency.
This topic is explored in more depth in a dedicated workshop led by
Dr. Mica Douglas, which looks at:
• why lying and deceit develop in care-experienced children
• how these behaviours can show up in everyday family life
• practical ways to respond with both compassion and structure
• how to build trust and reduce the shame that keeps dishonesty going
The main thing to remember is:
Lying is often a sign of fear, not a lack of values.
Get tickets for our live session with Dr Mica Douglas to learn more about why lying is so common in care-experienced children, learn practical strategies to support children who use deceit as a coping mechanism.
